I miss Max. Although he was only with me for a year, he is such a character, and has left a huge void. Funnily enough, what I miss most is what I had “feared” the most when adopting him – the early-morning rounds. Although I have always been an early riser, I thought I would have to stay as immobile as possible and have coffee first thing in order to be able to start functioning, but with Max, I really enjoyed getting out – first thing – somewhere between 5.00 and 6.00, when the air is still (relatively) fresh, and not many people in the streets. When it was light enough, we sometimes went as far as Tiergarten and had a look at the many wild rabbits frolicking there at that time of day. Coming back home, the coffee tasted even better ……

Since diagnosis, I have not had neither the strength nor the discipline for that, but I am hoping to take that habit up again, even without Max, as soon as I can. I have no idea when that will be. For now, I go for shorter walks and do one or two of Gabi Fastner’s videos (linked to in several previous posts) in order to stay in some kind of shape.

Depending who you ask, it will take from a couple of weeks to several months or even years before I feel back to normal again after surgery, or at least normal enough to go on walks of any considerable length, and that is assuming I will not need any further treatments, which is what several people who know about these things seem to think. I am keeping my fingers crossed while trying to stay open to the fact that I may need radiation. If chemo comes into the picture, I am still undecided whether I would do that, but I don’t think so. That is like being in Hell, and then you die anyway.

A post-op stay in some kind of recreational facility has been suggested to me. My insurance would cover it, and I would love to get away from Berlin for a little while. If I can find a place that focuses on physiotherapy and gymnastic exercises, and even massage although I hate that, I would definitely consider it. Also healthy nutrition, which I am assuming would mean that it would be more likely to be in Poland than in Germany, but I will hear what they say at the hospital after surgery.

The sooner I can get back in shape, the sooner will I be able to visit Max in his new home and go for a walk with him and his new owner. There is nothing better than walking in the forest with a dog.

Some people are wondering why I am so adamant about a double mastectomy without reconstruction. I could have chosen a single mastectomy and perhaps reconstruction, and double lumpectomy in the other breast. I wonder what kind of mess that would look like, plus, the risk of recurrence in the remaining breast is very high. The second choice would be double mastectomy with reconstruction.

To those wondering about my decision – “going flat” as we say in our circles, all I can say is – well – google it, and check out some Facebook groups. To me, that decision very quickly became a total no-brainer. The further risk of complications and more surgeries, and the fact that “implant syndrome” is a thing – no thanks. And not only that, but I seem to remember a study a couple of years ago revealing a new form of lymphoma associated with breast implants. No thanks.

To me, a double – flat – mastectomy is not the end of the world, but I can certainly understand how it must be devastating news to many much younger women.

What really throws me is realising how many young women receive this diagnosis, and how many different types of breast cancer there are, and the number of variables within each type.

Young women with small children who go through years and years of chemo, lumpectomies, and radiations, and starting over again, knowing that their prognosis is not good, but with a young family it is important to stay alive as long as possible.

Particularly heartbreaking are the women who are diagnosed during pregnancy, who have to have the birth induced in week 36 in order to be able to start chemo as soon as possible. A newborn, perhaps a toddler at home, and chemo. Unfathomable. I have been looking for charities/organisations that focus on supporting women in those kinds of situations but strangely enough not been able to find any. Cancer is never part of anybody’s master plan, least of all when you are young and just starting a family, and coping with a serious cancer diagnosis must seem insurmountable at times.