I have been asked whether the fact that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer is a secret. It is not. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the stigma I feel is still attached to “The Big C”. What I know so far is on my website.
Alhough I may or may not keep a kind of diary on my website whenever I need to organise my thoughts or have major news to report, there is enough literature, blogs etc. everywhere on the internet and in social media, support groups on Facebook (reading about the number of young women with small children, going through years of radiation, followed by chemotherapy, over and over, is certainly sobering), …. and I don’t feel a crusty old battle-axe like me with (hopefully soon) only herself to take care of, and most of her life behind her will be able to contribute anything novel or different.
For now, this is quite new, a bit of a shock (although I don’t know why it should be – cancer hits one in three or four of us sooner or later), and now I know what people mean when they say a kind of chaos ensues after a cancer diagnosis. As detailed on my website, my first priority is to find a good home for Max, before I can focus on facing and coming to terms with yet another new chapter of my life.
Thank you for all the messages of support received so far. I hope it is OK that I am currently too scatter-brained to reply to everybody individually, and I also need time every day to switch that aspect off and focus on other things – not least Max – and clear my head a bit. Especially since I don’t yet know much about how my life will look in the coming months, I have to try not to think about it 24/7.
If no miracle happens before that, I am taking Max to Tierheim Berlin in the afternoon of Monday, 4 July. Although with my date for major surgery moving closer and closer, I am relieved that somebody will be looking after him, but this is definitely not the solution I was hoping for, but I unfortunately have no other choice. Berlin seems to be flooded with dogs for adoption from southern and eastern Europa, “Covid dogs”, and now also dogs from Ukraine.
EDIT 18 June:
Finding a solution for Max is getting urgent. Agonising over his future (and of course my own, but for now, mostly his) is keeping me awake at night. It is all starting to cause me what I can best describe as pangs of anxiety. I am dizzy with fatigue, and totally incapable of concentrating properly, which I feel is making me unfit to walk him in the streets around here. Knowing him in good hands would be an enourmous relief.
Perhaps I should also add that Max has been on holiday twice with Lucky Dog Berlin. There, they have farm animals, cats, and young children, and I was told that that all worked out really well. Anyone who wants to know more about the combination Max and children may want to inquire directly with them.
ORIGINAL POST
I am now officially a cancer patient. The consultation in which my options will be discussed takes place next week, but after doing a bit of research, and given my age (topless sunbathing has long been a thing of the very distant past), I will probably opt for a double mastectomy. Whether I will need radiation and/or chemotherapy after that will only become completely clear during and after the surgery.
Whatever happens, this new turn of events is already draining me of energy and I am finding it hard to focus on taking care of Max. Of course after surgery, I will also be physically unable to handle a dog like Max and take proper care of him for a considerable length of time, and I am therefore looking for a new home for him. This pains me greatly for several reasons.
Before I adopted him, he had already lived a slightly nomadic life for a little over a year after he arrived in Berlin from a shelter in Spain, where he had spent three years. It is not clear to me, what kind of life he had before the shelter. Max is from 2014, and is half Podenco. The other half is unclear, but many have suggested labrador (based on his voracious appetite, I think – Max is not exactly a fussy eater).
I really would not like to see him going from household to household again. The other options – shelter or euthanasia – I can’t even think about right now. I will therefore try to describe Max as accurately as I can so that people who might be interested in adopting him know what to expect.
Max quickly becomes attached to his owner and his home, and needs a lot of attention, affection, and exercise. He also likes ritual, with certain things happening after each walk, for example, like a “Streichel-session” (his “Streichelbedard” is limitless). And for example if I go to bed without saying goodnight, even if he is fast asleep when I go to bed, he comes to my bedroom a few minutes later with an air of – did you not forget something? – we then say goodnight, and he turns around and goes back to his bed in the living room.
I have a great dog-walking service for him twice, sometimes three times a week, where he is taken by car to the outskirts of Berlin to run around (and he really likes to run) off the leash together with three or four other dogs. This is probably his favourite thing and it works really well.
On other days I often take him to one of the dog parks, either those within walking distance or a couple of those further afield by public transport. He loves the dog parks and the socialising with other dogs there, but he is still a little bit nervous on public transport and needs to be watched and reassured in case he suddenly decides to lunge towards one of the other passengers. He is of course always muzzled on public transport.
In the streets, Max walks relatively well on the leash, but he is easily distracted and sometimes needs to be reminded of his acquired good manners. He also still tends to get reactive when he is startled, so whoever walks him has to be very aware of what is happening around them, and of who or what Max is looking at, and always have a firm grip on the quite short leash. I therefore keep him muzzled at all times while walking the streets. The muzzle will never be his favourite item, but he seems to have resigned himself to that fate.
Max knows that his eating and my eating are two completely separate events, and even if I eat right next to him, for example on the balcony, he knows to leave me completely alone. When there are visitors he might try to get their attention but quickly understands that the same rules go for them as for me, and he then lies down and waits till we have finished eating. As for begging food at the table or trying to get at food left out somewhere, this is something he has apparently never considered, let alone tried.
Max does not bark or howl when he is home alone (which once or twice a week can be up to four hours), but he does stage quite a drama when I come home. Profuse stroking and petting calms him down, but funnily enough also sending him to another room and closing the door quiets him down immediately.
To me, Max is a fantastic dog and a joy to have around. It breaks my heart to have to let him go, but such as my life is going to be for a foreseeable future, knowing him in good hands with somebody who will appreciate his idiosynchacies would be a great relief.
I shall miss him terribly.
Here are some photos of Max, followed by links to a couple of videos. Anyone seriously interested in more information about Max is welcome to write to me on this e-mail address. It is quite urgent.
